Dedicated to Vishal, who proved that dreams are possible and inspires me to live a well-rounded life. This is also dedicated to Appachin, who gave me the greatest gift, my mom.
A friend recently told me that deaths and births come in threes. I have never heard this saying, but the former part of that sentence has been proving to be true within the last week alone. Even when I turned on the TV this morning, the newscaster was talking about a famous actress who was currently in her last hours of life. Death is the one inescapable promise of life, yet it is the one thing we really do not see happening to ourselves or to the ones we love. That is probably what makes it so difficult; its unexpectedness and swiftness. Although one can be lingering alongside death for a months or even years, it only takes a mere second to cross the line from life to death.
With all that has occurred, naturally I began to think about my own life. Most days I wake up with the heavy feeling of dread in my heart. I just do not want to go on with another dismal day and would rather just sleep. There is no excitement to live, just the all-consuming desire to sleep. I wonder what the people who have passed away would think about this. They would probably give anything to have those few hours, which I snooze away. I need to learn the value of each and every day and that there is no other way to describe the gift of each day except as "priceless."
I have also begun to realize that I live too much for myself. I have set sea on a very selfish voyage and have often times not been able to see that there are people all around me who are drowning. I am not claiming to have all the answers, but I do have some that would be of great benefit to those around me. It is also true that sometimes those people don't even need answers, just someone to listen to their problems. Three years ago I wrote an entry about how living a life solely for oneself is so unfulfilling and settling. I am beginning to realize that all over again.
My plea to anyone reading this is simple:
Live your best life, and live it now.
Don't waste another moment thinking that you have another moment.
Take risks, and trust in the Lord.
Evaluate your dreams.
Make sure it is what you really want, and will bring you real joy.
If it is, fight for it with all the tenacity in the world.
Love everyone. Hate no one; Love your enemies as yourself.
Delight in smiles and laughter.
Take care of your body; it is the temple of God.
Don't be defeated by hardships; use them to learn.
Complete the masterpiece God has started,
and at the end of the day, at the end of a lifetime, give all the glory back to He who it has come from.
Everyday since that day, I had to wonder where my future lay. Before that day, I thought this too But there were prospects of the sky being blue. Now the dice have been rolled and the truth has been told and I must befriend uncertainty a bit longer as I prepare myself to become much stronger. This is no easy feat as my spirituality and mentality have been beat. The morning sun rises and I ask "Why?" For everything I asked for has been denied. My world is at a standstill But by power of will My life will turn around & my testimony will be the sweetest sound.
"I know the plans I have for your, plans of good, not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" - Jeremiah 29:11
"I tell you the truth. You can say to this mountain, 'Go mountain, fall into the sea.' And if yo have no doubts in your mind that the things you say will happen, then God will do it for you." -Mark 11:22-24
"Jesus said to them: With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." -Matthew 19: 26
"This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but God's...You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give to you...Do notbe afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out and face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." -2 Chronicles 20: 15,17
"We also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces enduracne, and endurance prodcues character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us." -Romans 5:3-5
"Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks. And God's peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."-Philippians 4:6-7
"Give your worries to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will never let good people down." -Psalms 56:4
A young boy kept his dreams in a crystal jar on a shelf beyond reach.
But with work and dedication, he told himself, that that jar would
surly rest in his palms one day and he would then be able to own his
dreams instead of just admiring them from afar.He knew that when that
day came, it would be marked as his greatest accomplishment. But first
he decided he needed a plan. So for months and months he explored his
options and suddenly, like a quick bolt of lightening to his mind,
inspiration had struck. "I KNOW!", he cried out, "I shall build a
ladder. Yes, and it will bring me all the way up into the seemingly
infinite heights where my dreams reside within that crystal jar." The
boy now had a purpose and a plan and that crystal jar became more and
more beautiful in his mind. But there was a problem. The ladder was so
tall, and expensive, that it would probably take about eight years to
build. The young mans parent's ridiculed him saying, "Eight years is
too long to attain your dreams, especially for such a silly dream. Son,
dream a little smaller." He refused and although his passion went
unnoticed by those closest to him, a man of great power and fortune
couldn't turn a blind eye to the boy and said, "Boy, I see what you are
doing and I am impressed. Let me make your work a little easier. I will
give you all the resources you need to build your ladder and so instead
of 8 years, that crystal jar should be yours in just 7."
The boy
was amazed. The boy was speechless. The boy was blessed. And so the boy
made a pact with the man of fortune and power. He promised to work hard
for the next seven years and when he got his crystal jar he would
promise to share it with the community. He vowed to use his dream to
serve the people of the world both at home and afar. And he also made a
promise to himself and said that if he managed to do this, he would
become a teacher and tell other young boys how they too, could possess
their own magnificent crystal jar. When the young boy finished
pledging his loyalty, the man of power and wealth said "Young boy, you
have my word. Here is everything that you need."
So for the next
few years the young boy toiled and toiled over his ladder. As the years
went by, the young boy turned into a young man, and the ladder grew
longer and longer. Until one day, one tragic day, the young man lost
his balance and the past years of hard work and dedication passed
before his eyes. At that instant he knew, he was about to experience
failure and within a matter of seconds, his years of work had become
undone. The ladder began to splinter, creak,and finally broke in half
and the young man went falling down and he could not fight it. As he
was falling his eyes caught a glimpse of the crystal jar plummeting
back down to the earth as well. The sun hit the crystal and it sparkled
with a teasing beauty. And in unison, the young man and the boy hit the
ground and his dreams were shattered. There he lay with broken bones, a
splintered ladder, and a crushed dream. The beautiful crystal had
broken and nothing remained of it, besides the powdered dust it had
become. The man of power and wealth got word of what had happened and
was not pleased. He took back the bits and pieces of his ladder and
walked away saying, "I no longer believe in you.". The young man cupped
a handful his wrecked crystal jar of dreams and said "My God, what have
I done? Where do I go from here?"
Lately I haven't really been myself because there have been a lot of things “troubling” me. The
past two weeks have just felt like a blur of confusion & dissatisfaction
with the way things are and the way I am. I’ve developed a detrimental habit of
focusing on who I cannot become. The reason for my melancholy and knowingly
irrational thoughts is really no secret. I know the reason, but just hate to
admit it because…well, it’s not something I am pleased about. The reason is
this: Somewhere along the line I lost hope that my God loves me
unconditionally, and that He will provide for me.
Once I asked an atheist friend
of mine that if he didn’t believe in God who did he believe in. His response
was, “I believe in myself.” It breaks my heart that unknowingly.I have come to
adopt this same mantra, which I once deemed absurd.
Having confidence in yourself is great, but if you believe
only in yourself, then you are contributing all of your blessings and successes
to yourself. This is not true, at least from a Christian standpoint. I am aware
and conscious that this is not the right way to live life, so why have I chosen
to believe in such an “untruth”? When I
try to answer this question all that comes to mind is my exhaustion of simply
being mediocre. No matter how hard I had striven, it seemed like I couldn’t surpass
the mundane plane of mediocrity. Being average was not good enough for me, and
so I ditched God and decided to do things my own way. I decided to carry my
burdens on my own shoulders. Little did I know how weak my shoulders were…and how
much my burdens actually weighed. All this time I had Someone carrying them for
me, but was too arrogant to admit it. I am such a fool…
As I mentioned believing in yourself is perfectly fine.
Believing and relying on others is fine as well. But if you believe in those things
without believing in God, you are setting yourself up for failure just as I
have. I think that is why people are so fascinated and infatuated with the
notion of love. It is comforting to know that there is someone who can mend
your wounds and wipe your tears. But people…are just people. They can only mend
wounds, not heal them. They can only wipe tears, not dry them up.
Like I said, I don’t know how I got to this state of mass
confusion and despair.
I tried carrying my burdens myself, but ended up falling
and wounding myself.
I tried mending those wounds but the stitches only offered temporary
relief and so...
I am left here bleeding and wiping away my tears, but find myself drowning in them instead.
