I have a friend who decided he did not want to pursue the path the traditions of society was urging him to follow; college. Instead he did what every person says they would do if they had an entire year to themselves. He traveled. He said he wanted to find himself.  This is a noble and admirable pursuit, but a pursuit I was not courageous enough to take myself. Therefore, I until he returned I would just have to live vicariously through him and his international adventure. Upon his return approximately one year later, we had found ourselves walking the streets of New York City and I asked him, "So, did you ever find yourself?" He looked at me, thought to himself for a moment and said, "...No."

One morning I woke up and something wasn't right in my heart. Instinctively, yet surprisingly, I booted up my laptop and deactivated Facebook and deleted AIM. I acted upon my instincts before I even had the chance to ponder why I was discontent with life, and why I thought this was the absurd remedy to my blues. I concluded that a knot of monotony had wedged itself in my heart and a sea of superfluous nothings had drowned it. I realized that there were a lot of unnecessary things in my life which were distracting me from living everyday to its fullest and from seeking God in my daily life. There were many idle conversations being had, countless hours wasted absorbing irrelevant material and mastering the art of being socially-antisocial. Like a disorganized closet that has to be cleared out and reorganized, so do the cluttered thoughts of my mind. In the Bible God says, “Be still and know that I am God.” Thus, this is my attempt to declutter, organize, prioritize, and to be still. Who I am hates who I've been so now I am going to refocus and seek God again in hopes that if someone asks me if I have found myself I can at least say, "...I know myself better than I did before."

It wasn't until recently that I discovered how complicated of a person I am. I used to pride myself on how simple I was, but simple I am not. I never noted how my past experiences had woven themselves into my personality or how my current behavior and outlook on life is in direct correlation to the consequences of my life. It seems that I am merely a collection of scratches and dents I've collected over the years, but slowly and surely underneath it all, I discovering where my strengths lay.  This is me vulnerable. This is me naked…

I am scared. Those who are outsiders looking in would not notice this. Due to its elusiveness, it has not been detected by me either. But upon closer inspection of the framework of my character, fear is undoubtedly my biggest flaw. Fear breeds a lack of trust, pessimism, cowardice, and a lack of hope. When I question why I have surmounted to such unimpressive adjectives, the answer comes much too quickly. In my past, I have had a poor record of maintaining stable relationships with others.  Many of the people I held closest to my heart turned into my greatest sources of pain. However, I am learning that it happens to the best of us and I just need to pick myself up. Life is a tug of war and I would be foolish to say that I have not disappointed others just as well. It is the natural rhythm of life, to grow. Sometimes, that means growing apart. Life brings changes, and we are all just students of life and therefore subjected to change. No matter how connected we are to others, in the end we are all leading separate lives, which often require separate paths. It is a fact of life I have come to know well, and a fact of life that can no longer be the source of my fear. But I see now that broken relationships are no reason to lose faith in all of humanity. Without those people, I would be no one. It will take some time, but I will reserve a part of my heart for gratefulness that these people once graced my life, as opposed to sadness that they are no longer there.

On a slightly different note, here is a metaphor that will be stretched much too far, but just bear with me. Picture your college campus. It’s a nice spring day and everyone walking to and from classes. You see one of your professors walk out of the lecture halls and you wave a friendly/obligatory hello. Then you see a kid walk out of the dormitory and he is dressed up as a knight. He has the shiny armor, the groovy helmet, his trusty shield at hand, the whole nine yards. He looks ready for battle. That kid is me.

Knights are ready for battle. They know anything can happen, and expect anything to happen. In fact, they expect the worst. Therefore, I am going to make the argument, at least for the time being, that a knight is a pessimist. This was my philosophy on life and how I walked around my campus, "armor" and all.

I've been told by one too many people that I am a pessimist and my immediate response would be "I'm not a pessimist, I'm just realistic." WOW, well that pretty much proved their point that, yes, I was indeed a full-fledged pessimist. I've learned that I am not realistic. I am no where near it. My lack of reality also managed to contribute to my lack of self confidence, because like I mentioned previously, I am scared.

Every knight goes into battle expecting the worst, yes, but in the end however, they expect the best. They expect to win. In actuality, knights aren’t pessimist, but optimists. Have you ever seen a knight who didn't believe he could win? Who doubted himself before he even began? Of course not. If that were the case, he might as well put up his white flag and surrender right then and there because if he doesn't believe in himself, there’s no hope.

Like I said, I was the kid in the knight suit. I put on a tough front, like I knew what I was doing with my life, but inside my shiny silver guise I was shaking. I had set my goals so high, but how was I to ever achieve such great aspirations if I doubted myself the whole way through? It is not possible. I am hanging up my knight suit because life shouldn't be a constant battle and should be enjoyed. Although I may not be clad in metal anymore, I am still a knight because I now believe in myself. One of the most powerful things I have learned is that it is ok to be scared.  However it is not ok for it to control my life. Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at a pessimist turned optimist. (And lucky for you, this ends my knight metaphor).

Something that used to make me cringe as much as someone calling me a pessimist was when they would tell me that I've changed. They made it seem as if I had committed some kind of treacherous deed, some kind of betrayal. "No, no. I haven't changed", I would tell myself and everyone around me. I was pretty convinced of this fact too until a couple of days ago when I was looking through my high school planner. I had scrap booked the whole thing with lyrics, drawings, and memories. It is more of a yearbook to me than my actual yearbook and canvassed my personality. Anyways, I sat in bed one night flipping through every single page and just reflecting. I couldn't help but feel like another person had made that scrapbook. There was something so simple, and whimsical about it. I came to the realization that I have changed and that upset me greatly. The day afterward, however, I came to a second revelation which picked me back up again. The second revelation was the same as the first one; I had changed. A smirk had found its way on my face because I understood this to be a good thing...a great thing, in fact.  I'm not as passionate about music or great quotes anymore because I'm passionate about other things. I'm passionate about my career and I am more on fire for Christ than I have been in years. It is a reason to celebrate. And I realize I haven't lost all of my simplicity, my creativity, my curiosity for life. It's in everything I do from the way I dance while driving, to the millions of pictures plastering my walls, to the way I write, to the way I manage to continue my sketch book. I have changed and I think it is for the better. I think I have matured a lot recently, yet I still got some whimsy in me. I am going to celebrate this change, because it is pretty awesome. Evolution, metamorphosis, or simply change is a natural part of life and you cannot be afraid to admit that. Change can be good. Embrace it.

There is one rule that I applied to my life this past month. It's easy to remember, works like a charm, and leaves you satisfied in life. Ready? The magical-life-altering-happiness-promoting rule is ::drum roll:: NO EXCUSES. Simple, eh? If you have work to do, do it. If there are people that you need to talk to, talk to them. If you are in love, be in love. There are no excuses that will justify unhappiness. This is your one life, live it up. Stop listening to other people’s excuses, but more importantly stop listening to your own. Live your best life. Say goodbye to excuses, and hello to opportunities. Francois De La Rochefoucauld, (no I don’t know who he is either), once said, “Nothing is impossible; there are ways that lead to everything, and if we had sufficient will we should always have sufficient means. It is often merely for an excuse that we say things are impossible.” It is all about being proactive. If you don’t fight for what you want and need in life, who will? Ah...optimism…what a breath of fresh air. The rule works. Try it out.

For the sake of whoever is reading this and even for my own sake, I am going to end my words of wisdom at this point. There is so much more to talk about, but those conversations can be reserved for another time. I don't want to reveal all my secrets at once. But in a nutshell, these past few months have been a wonderfully humbling experience. I learned that the majority of my problems are due to fear and that fear encourages pessimism and pessimism encourages a pretty crappy existence. The solution is to be willing to change and see things from new angles. Excuses are for people who are scared. I am not scared anymore. I am a knight in shining armor happily riding into the sunrise, because my story is just beginning. (I couldn’t resist extending the metaphor...sorry).

*I am a year older, and a century wiser. This grand epiphany of mine would not be possible without my friends and God. There is no better way to end this than with Psalms 23:

Praise be to God.