Saturday, 28 June 2008

  • Dispirited

    Lately I haven't really been myself because there have been a lot of things “troubling” me. The past two weeks have just felt like a blur of confusion & dissatisfaction with the way things are and the way I am. I’ve developed a detrimental habit of focusing on who I cannot become. The reason for my melancholy and knowingly irrational thoughts is really no secret. I know the reason, but just hate to admit it because…well, it’s not something I am pleased about. The reason is this: Somewhere along the line I lost hope that my God loves me unconditionally, and that He will provide for me.

    Once I asked an atheist friend of mine that if he didn’t believe in God who did he believe in. His response was, “I believe in myself.” It breaks my heart that unknowingly.I have come to adopt this same mantra, which I once deemed absurd.

    Having confidence in yourself is great, but if you believe only in yourself, then you are contributing all of your blessings and successes to yourself. This is not true, at least from a Christian standpoint. I am aware and conscious that this is not the right way to live life, so why have I chosen to believe in such an “untruth”?  When I try to answer this question all that comes to mind is my exhaustion of simply being mediocre. No matter how hard I had striven, it seemed like I couldn’t surpass the mundane plane of mediocrity. Being average was not good enough for me, and so I ditched God and decided to do things my own way. I decided to carry my burdens on my own shoulders. Little did I know how weak my shoulders were…and how much my burdens actually weighed. All this time I had Someone carrying them for me, but was too arrogant to admit it. I am such a fool…

    As I mentioned believing in yourself is perfectly fine. Believing and relying on others is fine as well. But if you believe in those things without believing in God, you are setting yourself up for failure just as I have. I think that is why people are so fascinated and infatuated with the notion of love. It is comforting to know that there is someone who can mend your wounds and wipe your tears. But people…are just people. They can only mend wounds, not heal them. They can only wipe tears, not dry them up.

    Like I said, I don’t know how I got to this state of mass confusion and despair.

    I tried carrying my burdens myself, but ended up falling and wounding myself.

    I tried mending those wounds but the stitches only offered temporary relief and so...

    I am left here bleeding and wiping away my tears, but find myself drowning in them instead.

    I need God to dry them up for me again.


Comments (1)

  • Chiohux

    hey man....wow this is definitely deep. I know what you are talking about bcos I've kinda been feeling that way this summer. Actually, the opposite. Because I dont have a job or internship right now, I've been losing confidence in myself and I guess teaching me how much MORE God is. I'm learning that who I am and what I have has nothign to do with it-no matter how great my GPA or how good my resume might be.

    I will be praying for you as I pray for myself so that God can teach us both how to find the balance between trusting ourselves and others and trusting Him COMPLETELY.

    p.s He does love us unconditionally-we can never do anything to make it less or more. Comforting, isn't it?

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